Just feel it

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) When I heard that the first time I was 13 and didn’t even care enough to find out what it meant but, today I can truly appreciate the wisdom of those words.

Everybody has had somebody in their lives who has – intentionally or otherwise – made them feel inferior and for me that somebody was the man who played a part in my creation – my father. I have always felt like my father was ashamed of me or was it my disability he was ashamed of – I could never tell which – but my point is getting him to take me out in public or even to visit members of the community was a mission – still is – but the final straw was one day when we came back from visiting my aunt’s house and my father wanted to drop by to visit his friends son – who was recovering from surgery – my father ordered me to stay  in the car –  as he always did when we went to visit people – but this time when we arrived back home I remember going into my room, lying on my bed and crying for the next two hours – I muffled my cry with the pillow and just allowed myself to feel everything that I had been suppressing all my life – and before I knew it, it was two hours later and I was all cried out and after I wiped away my tears with the left-sleeve of my t-shirt I decided that I would find the grace  to forgive my father for all the pain he’d caused me and give myself what he couldn’t – acceptance.

I believe that people with addictions – gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc – start out just wanting to numb themselves out in some way and what I realized that day while I was lying on the bed crying was that sometimes the bravest thing one can do is to admit that you’re hurt and cry because if you don’t let go of your pain – or whatever you’re holding onto –  it will rot you from the inside out.


5 responses to “Just feel it

  1. A very inspiring post, very heartfelt, bless you! Its made me think of a few things so thank you x

  2. Beautiful girl, you dear Dad is just probably feeling guilty at not being able to take away your suffering. You are special, always remember that xx Love and Light x Kate x

  3. Hey kutta…i have just been through your entire blog…i have known you for 19 years but right now after reading all this i find myself in tears as I feel like i know absolutely nothing at all…You are truly an inspiration..and it is simply an honor to know you and to be your big sister…Honestly…Lots of love….
    P.S : i promise never to take anything for granted ever again – even toothpaste!!:) xxx

    • Aww…….. so sweet thanks 🙂 Yeah well don’t feel bad about not knowing me at all because up untill a few years ago I didn’t know who I was either LOL 🙂 I am glad you’ve decided not to take anything for granted anymore:)

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